I was just a Stupid girl back then

Subject:	He was just a man with something to prove.
Time:	11:10 am.
Mood:	nervous.
Music:	streetlight manifesto.

Oh yeah, the show (SKA IS DEAD) was incredible last night. I went to see VooDoo but was very impressed with Streetlight Manifesto. I am the skankin/crowd surfing queen. It was nice to see A LOT of other people in attendance rather than the usual ska-goers. Andrea = my new skanking partner.

Next weekand me and Jordan might apply for our apartment. I'm nervous we'll get declined or whatever. It's *the perfect* apartment AND it's cheap.

Oh yeah- anyone wanna buy a 2002 royal blue Corolla. Only 31,000 miles. Very nice and very nicely kept. I'm selling my car and downgrading to a piece of shit. :)

Saturday, January 22nd, 2005

Subject:	Subject can be a noun or a verb.
Time:	5:37 pm.
Mood:	weird.

Growing up is overrated

I'm definately taking a trip this summer. I don't know where. I don't know how. I don't know with who, but it will happen.
I'm definately getting an aparatment after school. With Jordan. Maybe Paul, too. in the 6 years of being Jordans friend we've gotten in *one* fight. And it was because she spilt my drink. My Shasta.
I'm definately wasting my Saturday and not doing my mosaic like I need to be.
I tried. I sat there. I arranged stones. I looked at the picture. Arranged more stones. Looked at the picture. Decided the mosaic was un-do-able. And quit.
I'm definately done with money. I work endlessly to get cash just to watch it all disappear into my car and phone.
I'm definately going to the circus next Saturday. So fuck you.
I'm definately over this word definately.

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

Subject:	"I spy.... laughter"
Time:	7:02 pm.
Mood:	amused.
Music:	Bad Manners.

Today was just a good day. Full of laughter and d elight. Especially Latin. i <3 the sound of mixed laughter. Especially Andreas and Jasons and Christina R's and mine. haha

For Andrea only:
- I really do want to go to the zoo. I love animals.
- Ew that sounded dirty!
- RiDICulous. hah. rod? .... crickets.
- The record stopping
- I spy something white. Russians shirt? RUSSIAN!
- Lantroops gonna be an astronaut. and conquer mars in the name of rednecks. and park his double wide up there.
- She has a Victoria's Secret bag. ugh, it better be perfume in there
- I love your laugh! You literally say HA HA HA.
- Lantroop, if I'm not married by the time I'm 24 will you marry me? -No.
- Can I be the flower girl?
- Yeah, I played "monopoly", I was the dog

Good times.

On a completely different topic... I think I'm addicted to making mistakes. Enough said.

Stop assuming things. You're not my scape goat. you mean nothing to me

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Subject:	you didn’t seem too happy about my dancing
Time:	12:08 pm.

Last night was a mess. I was supposed to go to the Ale House with gabe and steven- 2 kids from Friday's but they wouldn't get off until midnight so I hung out with Kiel to pass the time. This is the messy part. We got to Tinseltown at 10:50 to see Spanglish- which started at 10:20 but for some reason we were thinking it was 9:50 when we got there and still had half an hour so we messed around in the arcade. until 11:20. Fuck. Didn't go to the ale house either because I just got really tired.
(*Christina- he told me about anna/you/sarah/other shit a little bit.. if you wanted to talk)

tony left for a week.

I have to work christmas eve and christmas

Saturday, December 18th, 2004

(lend me some sugar)

Time:	8:17 pm.
Mood:	relieved.
Music:	journey.

Another update.. an hour later. I've just been thinking. Up until recently I haven't really been single since like 8th grade. Don't get me wrong I love my true friends and love hanging out with them. But I love being in love. This sounds weird- but- I'm really good in relationships. It brings out the best in me for some reason. Fuck the girl power.being with boys makes you weak. bullshit. Maybe for some people but not me. This is how I am and I'm content with that. It's such a weird feeling being single. I'm not going out looking for boys or anything but it'd be incredibly nice to have that fire going again. I'm such a romantic. I'm such a nerd.

(lend me some sugar)

Subject:	Moose munch is the greatest
Time:	7:16 pm.
Mood:	lazy.
Music:	bayside.

Wanna hear a joke?? Knock knock. (Who's there?) You.
People are so fucking fake these days.
I'd really like to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around someone saying what they think I want to hear. Or what everyone else wants to hear or see or know. (I really appreciate the genuine people in my life: Jordan, Christina, Andrea, Tony, Kiel, Blaine.. yeah..)

anyways
Working at Fridays is awesome. I love this waitressing deal. So much money to be made from unsuspecting customers. Whatever that means.

I got off work last night (around 2) and headed over to Tonys.. I was at a stop light at Hodges when a car of guys next to me started screaming to follow them to a party and chill and everything.. I didn't realize what was happening at all.. but a guy- a stranger- tried getting in my car at the light!!!! It was so fuckin scary. I lock my doors now when driving.

Sunday, December 12th, 2004

Time:

12:38 pm.

The funeral was so incredibly helpful towards healing.
Kenny's speech was really fucking moving.

I sit here in pain writing this knowing that I will never be so lucky to see you again. I sit here crying wishing that this day never had to come. But I also sit here feeling blessed that I had the oppurtunity to know one of the finest men I'll ever meet, and for that I want to thank you.
Thank you for the first day I met you at the bus stop in 7th grade.
Thank you for teaching me how to play Magic the Gathering.
Thank you for playing basketball with me even though you never liked it,
Thank you for helping me through 9th grade English, you know I never liked the teacher.
Thank you for riding to the beach with me on our bikes to do tricks at the pavilion,
THank you for helping me through computer programming class,
Thank you for all the concerts we went to.
Thank you for going to the football gamw with my dad and I, even though you didn't care about football.
Thank you for making the "Jesse Entrance" every time you walked into a room.
Thank you for your chili cheese dip.
Thank you for all the debates we had togehter: about music, about finance, about work, about life, about religion, and about philosophy. By the way, I still think you are wrong.
I want to thank you for standing by me through all the hard times, it made them that much easier.
I want to thank you for standing by me through the goood times, it made them that much better.
I want to thank you for always being there for me.
I want to thank you for being kind.
I want to thank you for being gentle,
I want to thank you for always being sincere.
I want to thank you for showing me that life is precious
I want to thank you for helping me realize tat nothing can be taken for granted.
I want to thank you for always being a true friend
I want to thank you for being you.

I loved it. =)
I know its said so often.. but really, I hope everyone tells the people they love that they do love them and don't ever leave a person on a bad note because if something happens to them, regret will forever be with you.
I want to take back so many things. I want my Jesse back.

Friday, December 3rd, 2004

(4 neighbors | lend me some sugar)

Time:

6:43 pm.

I don't know wether to be angry or sad.
I can't begin to comprehend what happened.
I keep imagining the scene.
On the bridge.
He must have felt so alone.
I wonder if he was hoping I'd show up to stop him
But how was I supposed to know??
Why didn't he let me know??
Why didn't he ask for my help??
I would have helped him.
Why did I have to be so cruel?
My last words to him were telling him
I never wanted him to call me again
I take it back.
I take it back.
Please let me take it back
I'll never forgive myself
I feel like it's all my fault.
It is all my fault.
He was so young. So incredible.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

RIP Jesse. I love you.

Saturday, October 2nd, 2004

Time:

12:57 pm.

I'm not retarded.
Why don't you just tell me you know of this.
Or is this your monitoring device.
How trusting.

Sunday, September 26th, 2004

Subject:	fucking up my life-aholics!
Time:	2:38 am.
Mood:	nauseated.
Music:	supercalafradgelisticexpealidocious.

Tonight Blaine and Tony were the inverse of a buzz kill.
They were drunk and called me while I was at work leaving a message on my phone that went something along the lines of "Tracccyyy! Hey girl! Me and tony and kiel and some other people are throwin a lil party and we're seein if ya could ditch your boyfriend for the night. Act like he doesn't exist. Tony really wants you right now. I mean really. Come out and party!"

Jesse heard the message. And it didn't end there.
Their drunk faces came up to Domino's.
Obnoxious and drunk and typical males they were.
Boys.

Jesse got real mad too. We almost broke up.

Saturday, September 25th, 2004

Subject:	irony prevails
Time:	1:27 am.
Mood:	random.
Music:	"I started a joke" cover- faith no more.

For my 18th birthday I think me and jesse are gonna go to orlando for a whole, wonderful weekend. Possibly hit up Halloween Horror Nights, maybe a park during the day. I refuse to go to a club.

I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no
I started to cry which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finaly died which started the whole world living
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me

I like that song. Listen to it.
Now.

Monday, September 20th, 2004

Subject:	You breathe in while I breathe out
Time:	6:35 am.
Mood:	loved.
Music:	the cure.

My mood this morning: fucking wonderful.
I actually woke up early to do my homework I didn't do and got rewarded with Pretty Woman on hbo + done homework.

It's yesterday that is making me so wonderfully happy though. (minus work) Jesse and I ate at the Beach hut like always + ~~smash music~~ carribean connection, then went to his house to watch Vanilla Sky and as we were laying there, cuddling his words

"this is true happiness"

shot through me.

I'm so in love with him and his ability to put such a complex emotion into such simple words.

Thursday, September 16th, 2004

(lend me some sugar)

Subject:	I can't feel my feelings.
Time:	3:02 pm.
Mood:	satisfied.
Music:	planet smashers.

What the hell am I doing here?
Doesn't really matter, this is a really comfortable chair.

I've had that Alkaline trio song stuck in my head all day- from way back in the days.

I'm really enjoying school this year. I take that back. I really enjoy the satisfaction I get from actually having done the work. I haven't really done that all high school and my grades/GPA have been on the downfall. Not this year. And that's good.

I want to watch waynes world now. (but My Girl 2 is still one great movie)

Friday, September 10th, 2004

Subject:	stolen from a-a-a-ndrea!
Time:	11:40 pm.
Mood:	content.
Music:	b i l l y t a l e n t.

IN THE LAST 30 DAYS, HAVE YOU

[x] made a wish
[ ] tied your shoes
[x] eaten cake
[x] signed a contract
[ ] made something explode
[ ] directly and knowingly supported the pornography industry
[x] sent something through the US mail
[x] been very angry
[ ] gone a day without eating
[ ] stolen something you considered "insignificant"
[x] watched more than three different television shows
[ ] prayed
[x] had a conversation that you considered very personally meaningful
[ ] been intoxicated by any substance
[x] thrown up
[x] gotten paid
[ ] gone a night without sleeping
[ ] broken something you like by accident
[ ] envied someone very strongly
[x] finished an artistic project
[x] hated
[x] fucked
[x] made very loud noise
[x] made noise that was too loud
[x] given a thumbs up
[ ] agreed to go to Highland Park, CA within the next week
[x] slept in a bed that is not, or has never been, your own
[x] sampled (up to interpretation)
[x] listened to Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield"
[ ] been drunk
[ ] smoked pot
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex
[ ] rode in a taxi
[ ] been dumped
[ ] been fired
[ ] been in a fist fight
[ ] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise
[ ] snuck out of my parent's house
[ ] been arrested
[ ] made out with a stranger
[ ] stole something from my job
[ ] went on a blind date
[x] lied to a friend
[ ] had a crush on teacher
[ ] been to europe
[x] skipped school

DO YOU

[x] have a bf
[ ] have a gf
[ ] have a crush
[x] feel loved
[x] feel lonely
[x] feel happy
[ ] hate yourself
[ ] think you're attractive
[x] have a dog
[x] have your own room
[ ] listen to rap
[x] listen to rock
[ ] listen to soul
[ ] listen to techno
[ ] listen to reggae
[ ] listen to metal
[ ] paint your nails
[ ] have more than one best friend
[x] get good grades - sometimes
[x] play an instrument
[ ] have slippers
[ ] wear boxers
[x] wear black eyeliner
[x] like the color blue
[ ] like the color yellow
[ ] cyber
[ ] claim
[x] like to read
[x] like to write
[ ] have long hair
[ ] have short hair
[x] have a cell phone
[ ] have a laptop
[ ] have a pager

ARE YOU

[ ] ugly
[x] pretty
[x] ok
[ ] bored
[x] happy
[ ] bilingual
[x] white
[ ] black
[ ] asian
[ ] mexican
[ ] short
[ ] tall
[ ] grounded
[ ] sick
[ ] a virgin
[x] lazy
[ ] single
[x] taken
[ ] looking
[x] not looking
[x] talking to someone
[x] IMing someone
[ ] scared to die
[ ] tired
[ ] sleepy
[ ] annoyed
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] on the phone
[ ] in your room
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[x] in your pjs
[x] ticklish
[x] listening to music
[ ] homophobic
[ ] racist

Thursday, September 9th, 2004

Subject:	scenario 1- you will read my livejournal. scenario 2- i punch you in the face
Time:	1:16 pm.
Mood:	relaxed.
Music:	deftones.

In the words of my lovely sister
"It looks like Ivan is going to fuck Florida right in the ass."
Like everyone else I'm quite sure- I still haven't done my homework. Argh. I guess I should do that tonight/or hope for a miracle that school will be cancelled.

I (pre) Registered to vote today. Elian Gonzalez for president!

One month exactly until I am legal. Being 18 will rock.

Tuesday, September 7th, 2004

Subject:	ATTENTION, ATENCIóN, AUFMERKSAMKEIT, ATENçãO
Time:	1:11 am.
Mood:	determined.

Impressed with my word usage in several languages? You should be.

If anyone has an old Nintendo Game Cube they wish to get rid of lemme know. I know of someone who wants to buy a cheap, used one .. that works.

Thanks. Gracias. Danke. obrigado.

Saturday, September 4th, 2004

Subject:	subway=joy
Time:	11:40 am.
Mood:	enthralled.
Music:	catch 22.

greatness through my ~~eyes~~ camera phone

I'm a horrid picture taker
jesse

Dinner he made for me awhile ago =)
dinner

*sigh*

Friday, September 3rd, 2004